Friendship in children: How parenting & family life affect peer relationships

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An evolutionary perspective on reciprocity, "mind-reading," and friendship in children

Amidst hunter-gatherers, friendship, and the reciprocity that characterizes friendship, is the primal to survival. Successful hunters share meat. Friends look after each other'due south kids. People are keen to give away valuable treasures to cement their friendships and alliances (e.g., Weissner 1982). And the kids? Hunter-gatherers encourage their children to participate in acts of reciprocity from an early age.

Today, many anthropologists suspect that the need to make friends and allies was a driving strength in human evolution. Our ancestors beat the odds against disease, famine, and predators by teaming upward. Along the way, natural selection favored people who were good at "reading minds" and forging bonds.

Kids who were amend at mannerly the neighbors got more than support–more babysitters, more nutrient providers, more people who were willing to share (Hrdy 2008). Kids who couldn't make friends would have been socially isolated—and in serious trouble. As anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy argues, babies come equipped with social brains because our ancestors needed friends and allies to survive (Hrdy 2009).

And so friendship has always been important. Merely what–besides sharing–does a successful friendship entail?

Studies of Western populations propose several points about friendship in children.

• Like adults, kids decline people who they perceive to be aggressive, disruptive, irritable, domineering, dishonest, or selfish (Carlson et al 1984).

• Kids who report a greater willingness to assist others are more likely to have high-quality friendships (Coie et al 1990; Rose and Asher 2004).

• Popularity in preschool is linked with exact ability, kindness, and low aggression (Ladd et al 1988; Coie et al 1990; Earnhardt and Hinshaw 1994; Slaughter et al 2002; Landon et al 2010.

• "Hanging out" with prosocial peers — kids who are cooperative and kind — may may help preschoolers build crucial emotional skills. In one written report, 4-yr-olds who affiliated with more with prosocial peers showed more than emotional positivity and less emotional negativity toward classmates after on — even after decision-making for initial personality differences and the "culture" of the classroom (Fabes et al 2012).

• Direct interventions can make kids friendlier and more popular. When researchers randomly assigned some primary school students to perform three acts of kindness each week, those kids became more than popular than did children in a control group (Layous et al 2012).

• Mind-reading matters! Young children are more than probable to exist accustomed by their peers — and more probable to develop friendships — if they sympathise the thoughts and feelings of other people (Slaughter et al 2002; Caputi et al 2012; Fink et al 2014). And as kids get older, the links between popularity and interpersonal skills—like empathy, moral reasoning, and perspective-taking—become even stronger (Dekovic and Gerris 1994).

• Kids are more likely to get friends if they have fun together, experience a sense of trust, and make each other feel good about themselves (Asher and Williams 1987).

• Friendships are more common between kids who are similar. Like kids are more likely to agree well-nigh what's fun. And relationships are less likely to go exploitative (with one partner benefiting more the other) when both parties can offer each other similar benefits–similar intellectual stimulation or social status (MacDonald 1996).

Given these points, it seems likely that parents tin aid kids make and keep friends by fostering

• Empathy, perspective-taking, and empathic business concern
• Conversational skills
• Emotional self-command
• A willingness to compromise and offer assistance
• A willingness to share, take turns, and follow rules

How is it done? I suspect the most important influence begins at home—with the relationships kids have with their parents and siblings.

Friendships in children may be influenced by family unit experiences

A multifariousness of studies suggest that kids who accept secure attachments with their parents have better-quality friendships. For example:

• Research tracking kids from infancy has found that kids who'd experienced secure attachments every bit babies were more likely to have close friendships at x years of age (Frietag et al 1996).

• Another study has reported that friendships between securely-attached preschoolers were more than harmonious, less controlling, more responsive, and happier than were friendships involving an insecurely-fastened partner (Park and Waters 1989).

• A study of older kids (anile 9-12), constitute that kids who felt they could count on their parents for help were kids who reported having better quality friendships with their peers (Leiberman et al 1999).

• A Academy of Minnesota study tracked 78 people from infancy through their mid-20s. Researchers found that individuals who had been securely-attached at 12 months were rated past their elementary school teachers as more socially competent. These more socially-competent kids were too more likely to accept secure friendships at xvi years (Simpson et al 2007).

These are merely correlations, of course. Perchance, the link between parenting and peer relationships reflects a third variable, like genetics. In i study examining peer problems among iii-yr-olds, behavioral geneticists attributed 44% of differences betwixt children to heritability (Benish-Weisman et al 2010).

But in that location are practiced theoretical grounds for thinking that secure attachments help kids make friends. A securely-attached child has learned that social relationships are rewarding. He's learned to trust. And he's learned a lot about the way to become along with some other person.

Consider, too, the effects of family talk.

Studies show that kids who participate in family conversations about emotions and mental states are more socially competent.

Kids who are encouraged to talk virtually motives, beliefs, and feelings develop stronger "mind-reading" skills.

And kids with siblings tend to perform improve on certain theory-of-mind tasks–tasks that crave kids to interpret other people's emotions and recognize when other people's behavior differ from our own (Youngblade and Dunn 1995).

But none of this happens automatically. Information technology appears that kids develop amend social skills when adults and older siblings make an endeavour to teach them. For more information, see my research-based tips for fostering friendship in children.

More information most friendship in children

For other show-based discussions of friendship, see these manufactures:

• Should parents be friends with their kids? Some thoughts on the correct ways and the wrong means to befriend children.

• How to help kids make friends: Prove-based tips

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References: Friendship in children

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Benish-Weisman Chiliad, Steinberg T, Knafo A. 2010. Genetic and environmental links between children'south temperament and their problems with peers. Isr J Psychiatry Relat Sci. 47(two):144-51.

Blandon AY, Calkins SD, Grimm KJ, Keane SP, and O'Brien One thousand., 2010. Testing a developmental pour model of emotional and social competence and early peer credence. Dev Psychopathol. 22(4):737-48.

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Carlson CL, Lahey BB, Neeper R. 1984. Peer cess of the social behavior of accepted, rejected, and neglected children. J Abnorm Kid Psychol. 12(2):187-98.

Coie JD, Dodge KA, and Kupersmidt JB. 1990. Peer group behavior and social status. In RA Asher and JD Coie (eds): Peer rejection in babyhood. Cambridge Academy Press.

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Hrdy, SB. 2009. Mothers and others: The evolutionary origins of common understanding. Harvard University Press.

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Layous Thou, Nelson SK, Oberle E, Schonert-Reichl KA, Lyubomirsky S. 2012. Kindness counts: prompting prosocial behavior in preadolescents boosts peer credence and well-being. PLoS 1. seven(12):e51380.

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Parke RD, Simpkins SD, McDowell DJ, Kim 1000, et al. 2002. Relative contributions of family unit and peers to children's social development. In: PK Smith and CH Hart (eds): Blackwell handbook of kid social evolution. Wiley-Blackwell.

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Weissner P. 1982. Take chances, reciprocity and social influences on !Kung San economic science. In: E Leacock and R Lee (eds): Politics and history in band societies. Cambridge Academy Printing.

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